With less than a week before my induction date and what seems like an enormous amount of work and preparation ahead of me, I am finding myself terrified. I’m not terrified of induction, or of the physical pain in front of me: though I know this is coming and there may be a thread of dread and wanting to be prepared as much as possible. What I am terrified of is the day of being home, alone with my children trying to accomplish all the things that need to happen before this weekend. I am terrified of feeling the feelings I have so often in the past when trying to prepare for an important event. Terrified of the feelings of failure and disappointment when my goals fail to be realized and I have to settle for what is, in my mind, unacceptable. Knowing I can never accomplish everything myself, and knowing of how my approach (that I learned at home?) of trying to accomplish these things through my children may fail miserably. I’m terrified of being left alone (and feeling that sense of abandonment) with my own posterity and having to endure the bad attitudes, fights, laziness, lack of enthusiasm and care about what matters to me. Like an ocean of pain and remorse that I would rather do almost anything than go through (but I must go through), seems the day that is dawning upon me: the day I’m not sure I can bear to face! Feelings of embitterment (God save me) against my husband for his declaration of how “things will be”, and than leaving: which is his custom to do. Feelings of abandonment begun long ago by past disappointments and failure… and then I begin to see pits of despair re-open and trails of “worse than death” present their all-too-familiar pathways into unwanted ends. Oh, Dear Sister or brother, if you’ve been there than you know what I’m talking about. Once you begin down these paths that begin with fear and end in death, you find that they become all-consuming paths devouring everything good and stealing your joy, confidence and ability to find life anymore. Your very fears come upon you and you chase away and dash to pieces those around you and every provision bestowed by a loving, benevolent creator. All this is an invitation for the Demons to arrive… to gnaw at and penetrate every weakness and unguarded door. Like a wounded soldier, left alone to face a foe too great for him, he picks up the pieces, a sword like a stick, with weary arm whose shouts, more like muffled cries are thwarted by the enemy’s darts and pummeling. Things begin popping up in my feed (where’d such monstrosities come from?!), voices begin arriving offering up dark and mysterious “solutions” and a way “out” of the problem and the day. Dark, murky waters beckoning to engulf you in their drug-like intoxication, which say, “Here you belong.. here you will find greatness and a way of escape.” A whole “other world” inviting you to “become” without having to steep the dreaded ocean. “I’ve already fallen” despair echoes. I can never recover what is lost. I have already become a stench to those whom I love and am called to serve and protect. Embracing Hell is all that is left, and somehow there I will find a familiar comfort.
There is no one. None to rely on to pull me out, or save me from the murky depths swarming with all kinds of demons. No friend or comrade to join in the fight or encourage to victory. No one to stay by my side until it is over. My closest companion is gone, my allies are asleep and do not see or feel the demons. No other soul can feel the fear and shame that grips me. But, can I give up? To fall into the common pit is unthinkable… I have felt that death… I have a beauty and glory that awaits me, I know, if I can somehow persevere.
I walk away from the pit. I swallow my pride and loss. I pursue the faint sound of truth and run toward it. I renounce the demons, In Jesus (Yeshuah”s) mighty name. I call on the God who feels as though He is not there. I trust in the provision I have come to know, that has always been there, though it’s hard to see. I calm and quiet myself and embrace what I have, that I know is good! I will walk through the waters: and I will not die! Even if death awaits. I will not renounce my progress and throw away my confidence (even if I feel the pain of loss). Somewhere deep inside, I find a well springing up… a low, yet enduring confidence in the one I have given all to follow. I have grown in experience, I have endured other hells, and I Will endure this one! I will eat my measure of daily bread. I will rise from the shadows and claim my true identity! I will walk out another imperfect day and believe that this one is and will bring me one step closer to perfection and the calling I was destined to live out. My day will come! and no demon or pit will rob me of my destiny! In languishing weakness, I will stand up on my feet and focus my attention on the True and Faithful Witness. I will say, “I have everything I need.” The enemy is weak and helpless. “We are More than conquerors through Him Who loved us and provided all we needed to overcome!” I will Live and Not Die, and declare the Works of Yahovah… I will see His beauty in His Holy Temple… I will overcome!
In quietness and in confidence will be my strength, and I will focus on the Joy before me. I will watch the arm of the mighty one, who does great things for me defeat the evil and dispel the darkness. I will wait, patiently, for Him. He will Never leave me or forsake me.
Hallelujah!! What can the enemy do to me now?